Ten Years Later and Fear of the What If

          When I was in high school, I had a friend who was (and is still, I believe) a talented musician. I actually knew him before high school, since we both went to the same music camp, and we rode our bikes together on sunny weekends. We often sat next to each other in orchestra rehearsal. Some time during my sophomore year, I developed a crush on him. With all that we had in common, it seemed natural. As I was getting the up nerve to ask him out, he started dating his standpartner, someone I saw as fairly attractive, but not even close to the musician that I was. Actually, she was a very nice person, for which I never gave her enough credit. They remained together for the duration of high school, and I never even got to go to the winter formal with him.

I’m long over him and wish him well. It was merely a crush; I can rightly say that I was never in love with him. But there are times when I’m sitting quietly, maybe driving down the empty rural road on my way to the classes I teach, or just having a beer after work with my cats, when I’ll wonder, what if that boy and I… There is no finishing that sentence, because there was nothing to finish it with.  While I’m certain that even if he had agreed to my asking him out we wouldn’t have lasted, and I am okay with that. It’s that what if that I never got over.

As the ten-year anniversary of my graduation from high school draws near (I am not going to the reunion, because that’s not my thing), I have been forced to face how far I’ve come, what the ten years meant. In some ways, I feel as though I just left high school; in others, it seems a lifetime ago. Academically I’ve made the most progress: I obtained a bachelor’s and then a master’s degree in short order, and I’m striving to learn new things all the time. I have a decent job and most importantly, time to write and practice music. Where I feel I’ve made little progress is in the above story. It keeps repeating itself, with one exception: it now usually ends with a “no.”

I thought I had learned nothing since then, but I see now that isn’t true. I learned that I hate the “what if?” sentence. This childhood crush that still pesters me – not because I still feel it, but because my brain still refuses to stop asking that stupid question – has driven me to be a more audacious person. I now just ask. And I’m mostly okay with the rejections, because I would rather be rejected, get drunk over it and move on, than always wonder what if. And even if I become a cat lady with no prospects, I am done with what if.

So if I ask you outright, “Will you go out with me?” for fuck’s sake, just say “No, I’m gay” or “No, I’m married/have a girlfriend” or “I don’t date crazy bisexual cellists, sorry.” Don’t torment me with your non-answer or say yes and never call. I’ve had ten years to kick all my what ifs to the curb.

I’m not even sure where I was going with this, but I’ll end with this bit of advice for my readers: don’t take what ifs from anyone. What ifs are the shit that keeps you up at night, that keeps you from ever having a truly quiet moment. If you’re expecting rejection, make sure you really get rejected, and then bitch about it, and then go on to the next thing. Because I tell you, what ifs suck.

Live from Seattle: It's AWP! (a Recap)

Last week I attended the annual AWP (Association of Writers & Writing Programs) conference in Seattle. Now, many writers out there are seasoned AWP veterans, returning year after year like geese to their favorite breeding grounds (and are often just as noisy). For me though, Seattle was my first time, and I went at it full tilt, attempting to pack every hour of my schedule with panels, readings, seminars, and other activities.  I soon exhausted myself, but not before I learned a ton about different ways to promote myself, went to some amazing readings, and talked to brilliant authors. If you are a writer and haven't done AWP, go. Since I had heard of the event, I complained that I would go once they brought it to the West Coast, which they never did, until now. I missed out. However, if you're on this coast and you're still as stubborn as I am, take heart; AWP 2016 will be in Los Angeles.

One of the panels I attended was on writers' blogs and digital promotion, a subject that anyone who has noticed the scarcity of my posts will know that I have a knack for avoiding. However, in the discussions of blog topics and updates on new work, I was inspired to reach beyond my discomfort in the electronic sphere, and, knowing that I would be doing a recap of my time at AWP, decided to compose it in a form in which I have no experience: the tweet. I have never used Twitter, as admittedly, many the people on there disturb me, but many writers out there are more than happy to utilize this tool to wax poetic about their work, their fans, or life in general. Here's my foray into the genre of 140-character stories, hashtags, and of course, AWP:

Pacific Loon @PacificLoonCA Feb 25
We're on our way to Seattle for AWP! #awp #seattle #roadtrip #lookimtweeting #howdoihashtag #whatisahashtageven

Pacific Loon @PacificLoonCA Feb 26
We're half-way through Oregon. You have died of dysentery and boredom. #roadtrip #oregontrail #awp
  
Pacific Loon @PacificLoonCA Feb 26
Finally arrived in Seattle. We're live from AWP! #spaceneedle #awp

Pacific Loon @PacificLoonCA Feb 26
This is the worst Star Trek convention ever. People aren't even wearing the right shade of red. #awp #whereskatemulgrew

Pacific Loon @PacificLoonCA Feb 26
I have just been informed that this is a convention for writers, not Star Trek. #sothatswhatawpstandsfor #stillwannaseekatemulgrew #awp

Pacific Loon @PacificLoonCA Feb 26
 I'm at the panel on promoting your work through blogs and other digital media. Mark Doty is funny as hell. #fuckyoubepolite #markdoty #awp

Pacific Loon @PacificLoonCA Feb 27
Having a roommate at the hotel and always being surrounded by people has led to unforeseen difficulties. #nomorebeans #homeiswherethefartis #awp

Pacific Loon @PacificLoonCA Feb 27
Just went to the California writers reading. Some amazing work being read. #calwriters #awp

Pacific Loon @PacificLoonCA Feb 27
Oh man, the Alaska writers just blew the California writers out of the water. #stepitupcali #goalaskawriters #essays #poets #awp

Pacific Loon @PacificLoonCA Feb 27
Joy Harjo giving a brilliant reading. #joyharjo #awp

 Pacific Loon @PacificLoonCA Feb 27

 So much inspiration here. #writeallthethings #awp

Pacific Loon @PacificLoonCA Feb 27
Tried to go to David Mura's reading. Almost ended up on a ferry to Vancouver with Indigo Moor. #mencantnavigate #justaskfordirectionsdude #lostinseattle #awp

Pacific Loon @PacificLoonCA Feb 28

OMG Heid E. Erdrich is sitting right behind me. Just be cool. Just be cool. #starstruck #aboriginalcaucus #awp

Pacific Loon @PacificLoonCA Feb 28
Crashing Anhinga's 40th anniversary reception. #freefood #nocrunchingduringpoetryreadings #anhinga #awp

Pacific Loon @PacificLoonCA Feb 28
Barry Lopez is a genius. #barrylopezreading #arcticdreams #awp

Pacific Loon @PacificLoonCA Mar 1
This travel writing panel is packed! Who do these people think they are? #sittingonthefloor #whowillpayformetogotoantarctica  

Pacific Loon @PacificLoonCA Mar 1
Time suspended at the bookfair while I read some of the most arresting poetry. #hyperboreal #joannaviyukkane #morealaskawriters #awp

Pacific Loon @PacificLoonCA Mar 1
They're "crepps" not "crayps," people. Standing in line for a smoked salmon crêpe. #lunchtime #iloveseattle #crepeline #awp

Pacific Loon @PacificLoonCA Mar 1
Met up with my old classmate and fellow writer Rooze and had a great conversation. #goodtimes #awp

Pacific Loon @PacificLoonCA Mar 1
Saw some innovative presses and journals at the bookfair. Too bad there wasn't time to see them all. #saddleroadpress #yellowmedicinereview 

Pacific Loon @PacificLoonCA Mar 1

More bookfair highlights: #toadsuckreview #universityofhellpress #riverteeth #asus

Pacific Loon @PacificLoonCA Mar 1
Got told by my alma mater's journal that they will NEVER EVER do an alumni-featuring issue. #nobodylikesyouanyway #stopaskingmeformoneythen #awpbookfair

Pacific Loon @PacificLoonCA Mar 1
A lot of the bookfair tables are giving out pins. Things got really out of hand. #istartedwithjustonewhatthehellhappened #bookfair #awp

Pacific Loon @PacificLoonCA Mar 1
Look at all this bookfair swag. #swag #yolo #awp

 

Pacific Loon @PacificLoonCA Mar 1
With all this walking/ and panels instead of food/ jeans fall from my/ flattening hips #lookimapoet #shouldhavebroughtabelt #awp

Pacific Loon @PacificLoonCA Mar 1 
Awesome poetry reading at the Tap House with Indigo Moor and Allison Adele Hedge Coke. #poetryreading #starstruck #awp

Pacific Loon @PacificLoonCA Mar 1
Sherman Alexie reading. The man is hilarious. Also a genius. #mysideshurt #99tinylovestories #shermanalexie #awp

Pacific Loon @PacificLoonCA Mar 1
That shock when you see one of your favorite writers and they turn out to be a terrible dancer. #notnamingnames #awpdance #awp

Pacific Loon @PacificLoonCA Mar 2
Going home, we finally see the USS Voyager! (Or a Voyager-shaped cloud, anyway.) #startrekafterall #awp

Well, there was my experiment in the Twitter medium. How do I feel about this literature composed of 140-character blips of consciousness and brief—yet at times eloquent—hastags (I'm still not completely sure how those are supposed to work)? I think it momentarily cured this writer of her tendency toward wordiness, but somehow there's still something missing. Or maybe I'm just too much of a stick in the mud to accept this new form. In any case, I might not be ready to "tweet" frequently just yet, but in time, I'm sure I'll be returning to this genre in future, as well as AWP.

Stanford Powwow 2012

Anything is Possible! And Other Lies from my Elementary School Days

When I was a kid, there was a poster in the classroom that said something like "You can do anything if you put your mind to it."  There were several of these kinds of posters, I remember, and several variations on it.  "Reach for the stars," said one.  "Everything is within your grasp if you work toward it," said another.  It seemed like nearly every elementary school classroom I had been in had one of these colorful posters, and they might have pictures of astronauts or scientists or musicians or some other cartoon figure, just to show how great and awesome your life could be if only you just aim for it.  These are so common that chances are you had one in your classroom too.

And here's another variation.  Never mind that most of the kids in my school looked nothing like this waif in the photo.

What is the converse of these messages, though?  If you can achieve anything by just putting your mind to it and working hard, then if you fail, you must not have put forth enough effort.  You just didn't work hard enough.  Part of me would like to go back in time and have a chat with the elementary teachers who put up these ridiculous posters.  I'd buy them a cup a coffee, except that I'm broke, so we'll just sit on a bench outside and talk.  I'd tell them I thought these posters and the messages they sent were bullshit.

You see, today I looked at the yellow light on my dashboard telling me that I was about to run out of gas, and seriously wondered whether I had enough money to fill it.  To my luck, I made it to my destination without breaking down.  The same car also has shocks badly in need of repair, but you see, I have to buy food.  This week, I got several letters informing me that my student loans for graduate school would be entering their repayment period in several months, and that I ought to come up with some cash by then.  I also no longer have health insurance, so I'm not so keen to ride my bike any more, just in case I get hit by a car that doesn't stop.  The thing is, that was good way to save money on gas and do a good turn for the environment.  

I'm not telling you these things to get you to feel sorry for me, because that isn't what I want.  I'm illustrating why these messages that get pounded into our heads when we were kids are crap.  I have a bachelor's degree from one of the top universities in the nation.  I have a master's degree from another good school, and I got both of them before I turned 26.  I've been in the workforce since I was 15.  We're pretty used to rejection in the fine arts field, because rejection is high even in the best of times.  Except that these aren't the best of times, because it seems that the whole country has declared war on its arts institutions, and no one is getting funding for anything.  I teach music and play professionally, but obviously this is not enough to get me healthcare or keep gas in my Focus or pay my student loans (for that degree I put my mind to and worked so hard for!).  So why not work in another field?  I've sent out more resumes than I can count for everything from bike sales to magazine editing to working as a barista.  I've "networked."  

I even applied to become an officer in the Coast Guard, which was something I had been thinking of doing for some time.  As an environmental writer, the coasts are hugely important to me, and I really wanted to take a more active role in their protection.  This week they informed me that because I once saw a counselor, I'm barred from applying to any branch of military service, including reserve duty, for three years.  The thing is, I saw a counselor because I my current job and the economy had gotten me down, and I wanted to feel more energetic so I could get back in the game.  And yet, instead of helping me, it put up a barrier.  They might as well have said, "No, you can't serve your country!  You're a psychotic axe murderer who talks to broccoli!"  Because clearly anyone who sees a counselor is nuts.

Whose fault this is, I can't rightly say.  I suspect the blame for this situation, which is certainly not unique to me, lies in a lot of places, not just in one or two like the far right would have us believe.  I think we as nation should be ashamed of ourselves, of this huge income gap between the bottom and the top that we have allowed to grow, of the fact that someone with two prestigious degrees cannot even get a job serving coffee to the one percent.  And so I still find myself on this economic reservation, unable to leave.  It clearly must be because I just didn't put my mind to it.    

You know what?  My elementary-school-self didn't sign on for this shit.

Myths about Bisexuals

I was first going to write a post about how pleased I am that Proposition 8 in California was rejected by the 9^th Circuit District Court.  As a musician-for-hire who plays at weddings, more weddings means more money for my wallet, not to mention that there is this little thing called basic human rights and we still have a long way to go.  Then somehow my post about how right it is to be able to marry anyone who would have me turned into a discussion of bisexuality (writers’ minds work in some weird tangents).  If you were hoping to read something on Prop. 8, there are some far more eloquent blog posts out there than the one I was going to write, so go check those out.  I also think this is a funny post coming right after one on how great it is to be single.  But I think I’ve seen these things one too many times in pop culture in its various forms, so I just want to clear some things up.

1. We’re promiscuous.

Really?  I must not have gotten the memo on this one.  I think if someone looked at my sex life and took it as the example of all bisexuals, they’d think we’re all one step above monks and nuns.  I mean, I’m sure there are some bi people out there saying that they’re having lots of sex, but so are a lot of straight people.  We get insecure about ourselves and tell fish stories just like anyone else.  I sure wish I was having lots of sex, but oftentimes reality gets in the way of that.

When I first saw the British sci-fi show Torchwood, I was delighted that we finally had a positive bisexual protagonist in Captain Harkness, especially since his sexuality wasn’t central to the show (just like heterosexual protagonist’s sexualities aren’t central to their shows either.  Okay, unless were talking about Commander Riker).  However, I realized that this guy wasn’t just bisexual.  He’d screw anybody, or anything.  Not a really good reflection of most bisexuals’ proclivities.

Bisexual people are totally capable of monogamy, whether it’s with someone of the opposite or same sex.  In fact, I’m willing to bet that you know a few people in monogamous opposite- or same-sex relationships who are bisexual, but just haven’t said so.

2. We might cheat on you with/leave you for someone of the same sex.

I think this is similar to the previous myth, but I’ve heard it said a couple of times.  Cheaters come in all different stripes.  We might cheat on you with someone of the opposite sex.  Straight people might cheat on you too.  Bi people aren’t any more likely to cheat just because we have more options.  And this leads me to my next myth…

3. Bisexual people have more options.

Maybe if you’re Captain Jack Harkness you do.  I think though that having more options somehow makes us more picky.  We see what’s out there, and we think we don’t have to settle for just any old male (or female), so our standards are pretty high.  At least mine are.  Also, the flip side of the coin is that we get rejected by both men and women.  I mean, I’m thrilled that I can now marry a woman or a man without leaving the state, but the most likely scenario is still that I’ll end up with twenty cats and a sad-looking mutt.

4. We only do it to get the attention of the opposite sex.

I’ve heard this one directed mainly at women, but I suppose there might be some bi guys out there who have heard it too.  I also have no doubt that there are plenty of straight sorority girls who go to bars or parties and make out with their roommates just to turn guys on.  These women are incredibly annoying.  This is where the term LUG comes from (Lesbian Until Graduation).  If I’m kissing a woman, it’s not to get attention or to turn guys on; it’s to turn myself on.   

5. Bisexuals just can’t make up their minds.

I’ve heard this one from both gay and straight people.  If there’s no choice involved in being straight, and no choice involved in being gay, what makes you think that bisexuality involves a choice?

6. We all want threesomes!

No, just no.  I’m sure some bi people like threesomes, just as some straight people like threesomes, and some gay people like threesomes.  Hey, whatever floats your boat.  I suspect that this is more of a straight guy’s fantasy than anything else (and pretty soon I’ll probably see a blog in response to this entitled “Myths about Straight Guys”).  But I think most of us find this idea either gross or just plain tiring.

7.  We’re really kinky.

Just like the last myth, there are people of every flavor of sexuality who are this way.  But most of us have a line drawn somewhere in regards to what we will and will not do, and you’d be surprised at how vanilla most of us are.

8. Bisexuals are really gay and just can’t admit it.

And being bisexual is somehow better?  Considering the prejudice from both gays and straights toward bisexuals (otherwise I wouldn’t have these hilarious myths to write about!) most bisexuals wouldn’t choose to identify this way, assuming they had a choice.

I’m sure there are some more, but this is my weekend and I need to go get dressed up so I can make out with random chicks downtown to get the attention of some sweaty college guys.  We might even have a threesome later.